December 2, 2009

Why Chester A. Arthur Sucked: The Song

#21. Chester A. Arthur

Capo 2
Em, G

Sure, I’ll cave
Who do you hate?
Let’s make them illegal

We’ll call it the Chinese Exclusion Act
Can it be that simple?

C, G, D/F#
No, no, it’s not what you think
It’s just that I exclude you

‘cause if you were gone, us whites could get our rich on
supply and demand, you’ve gotta understand
that’s why I’ve called for a 10 year ban on you
but before you go, will you teach us how to make crab rangoon

December 1, 2009

What if You Have No Street OR Common Sense?

I love my house. It's a wonderfully-designed (by my beautiful wife), comfortable and spacious house for the two of us. Our master bathroom has a whirlpool tub and a shower - very chic at first glance. But, this whirlpool forces the shower to be a corner unit, standing room alone, and I'm 6 ft. 3. For three years now, I have been taking slightly uncomfortable showers, simply because the spacial constraints don't allow me to be super relaxed. Just last week, a thought pops into my head. "Oh, I guess I could use the full size guest shower down the hall." Three years, folks. But boy, has this last week been great. Lord, beer me wisdom.

November 30, 2009

Go See Your Favorite Band Live…At Home

Why hasn't this idea popularized yet? I love seeing live shows, but in a lot of cases, I would almost prefer to watch them from the comfort and convenience of my home. It's like a football game. Your experience is arguably much better from your couch. You get a better view. You're 10 steps away from both the bathroom and the kitchen. The networks replay exciting plays in slow motion for your amusement. It's hard to beat. So, why can't I pay $5 to stream Jeff Tweedy's solo show in Arizona LIVE in my living room later this year? If you don't live in a big city, this might be your only option to see your favorite band live. If your favorite band is really popular and you're not wealthy, maybe you'll never be able to afford to see them live. And if you're old and lazy, you might actually prefer this method of entertainment. Now you tell me why this won't happen.

November 26, 2009

Happy “I Am Fortunate” Day

Some people have no family. Some people have no home. Some people have no food. We are blessed. Remember what you have and enjoy it!

November 25, 2009

Why James Garfield Sucked: The Song

#20. James A. Garfield

C, Em, G, D/F#

when I say Reagan, you say president.
Jefferson, kennedy, you say president.
I say Lincoln, you say president
I say Garfield, you say cat

Garfield spent his presidency
trying to make his enemies
angry at the fact that he in fact did win

Roscoe conkling, enemy one
wanted a little recognition
Garfield said no way
I won, you lost, the piper’s got to pay

spite’s what made up his cabinet
4 months later, he died to fit
shot by a man who wanted in
shouted the stalwarts would rise again

that’s why we know the cat over the man
a lesson for all you kids out there
you pick a fight
you’re going to get shot in the spine

when I say Garfield
you say president
Garfield. Odie!
Garfield. Lasagna!

see, it’s not that easy
you shouldn’t have been so sleazy

November 24, 2009

Second-Hand Curry

Landlords currently have the right to refuse lodging to smokers. Should landlords have the right to refuse service to people who cook traditional Indian fare? I lived in a majority Indian apartment complex the year after college. The complex itself smelled noticeably of curry. I got used to it. But, when I transferred my coat closet to my new apartment the next year, I realized that my coats were ruined. Last week, I attended a non-Indian friend's party. Walking in the door, I was overcome with the odor. Our theory is that a neighbor above or below must cook Indian fare, and the fragrance comes through the vents. After this 6-hour event, our clothes were married to the spice. While second-hand smoking laws are obviously present due to the health risks involved, and second-hand curry is merely a nuisance - if you were a landlord, would you be worried about leasing to Indian tenants?

November 23, 2009

Why Obama Won the Nobel Peace Prize

More than a month ago, The Norwegian Nobel Committee awarded Barack Obama with its Nobel Peace Prize. And it has taken me these last five weeks to really understand why. I believe it was a pre-emptive desire by those on the committee to see the man who ran for office on a peace platform to reclaim that vision. And I also think it was a brilliant move. Think about it. Let's say Obama listens to his generals in either Afghanistan or Iraq and commits to another 6, 12, 18 months in either place. The headline back home? Peace Prize Winner Prolongs War. That's the kind of headline that stays in the news cycle for weeks and could have crippling aftermath. And I think the Nobel committee is counting on Obama's advisors considering that before making any more Bush'esque decisions. They want to see the man that ran for President serve as it.

November 20, 2009

How’s That Turkey Burger? not the right question to ask someone the first time you try weaning them off red met. "Oh, you want to know how this burger tastes? Like someone sucked every ounce of goodness directly out of it!" You don't want them to mentally compare this heart-friendly alternative to the last burger they had. That's just asking to lose. In fact, you don't want them to think about the meal at all. You just make them eat another one the next few times you make burgers. And then, without realizing it, THAT is what a burger has now become to them. They'll enjoy it without remembering what the comparison is. The second greatest gift God has ever given the world is a short memory.

November 19, 2009

E-Ching for the Day

"The first half of your life is spent learning how everyone's trying to scam you out of your money. The second half you spend avoiding people so they can't."

November 18, 2009

Why Rutherford Hayes Sucked: The Song

#19. Rutherford Hayes

Em, G, D/F#

everything that comes up
must come down
post-civil war growth
exploded around
then the ripples started coming from across the sea
europe’s depression was coming to we

two wage cuts
on the railroad lines
didn’t take much
to enrage the insides
of these fortune-telling men who saw the end of better days
but they couldn’t see what was coming from Rutherford Hayes

Hayes, I’m amazed at the ways
That you tried to keep the peace
On the streets
Shot the strikers off their feet
70 was the number of the B&O employees
said goodbye to their lives thanks to Rutherford’s mishandling of the times